I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Broom by every window for quick escape.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?