Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.