“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple