I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
sry
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”