Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm