My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.