Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
HR said no more nunchucks.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The French word for sex is croissant.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter