*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim