MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on