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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…