Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Dammit Chief not again