BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
You Might Also Like
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife: