Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.