I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
lost dog
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys