“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.