Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.