No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
My dad is at it again
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
A new level of troll.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.