“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*