ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem