America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam