[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people