Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning