@ candidates for local office
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Easy enough.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.