Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs