“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.