Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]