All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.