Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me My dog
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s