I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I can’t be the only one 😂