Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.