I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
October already? What’s next? November????
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.