I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
ouch
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.