me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The real reason evolution started..😂
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.