I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk