The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.