A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
You Might Also Like
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]