Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup