professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?