Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.