Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.