Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
what’s really going on
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
podcasts
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.