Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.