if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.