Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.