Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
mathematically impossible
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.