Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Generation gap…
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!