Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.