hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.