Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”