[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
You Might Also Like
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
scrabbled eggs
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too